Do you ever have those nights when you have to completely dissect every aspect of your life in one big swoop? You can go however many weeks taking each step day by day, but there always has to be a break down moment.
I think it has to do with the more I socialize and interact with others. By conversing with other people, I am forced to acknowledge exactly where my life is at in order to engage freely.
All sorts of questions are brewing as I'm driving home in my car, after a night out with friends. I start to get angry, which results in me denouncing any of God's decisions pertaining to my life.
This results in:
" Wow, everyone else is doing *blank* except me."
"Why do I have to wait so long for *blank* when everyone else seems to have it..."
"Obviously you've decided I'm not good enough to do A, B, or C."
"Thanks once again for proving how I'll never be *blank."
"Why did the Colts have to lose the Superbowl!?" (Totally kidding on that one.)
I'm refraining from posting any of these specific issues, because we each have our fears and insecurities about our lives, and even though blogs are becoming more of a "open journal" for others, I personally have to have some form of secrecy.
When all is said and done, I come home angry. I pull my covers over my head while muttering sarcastically, "Thanks a lot. FML" It's as if I've been fighting with my boyfriend, and afterwards, going to bed unsettled.
The morning rolls around, and I wake up with the sun shining through my window. I start getting ready for work and talk with my mom as I eat my breakfast. I walk outside and feel refreshed, ready to start my day.
No matter what, I feel blessed to wake up and have another day in my life. Who knows when one of my questions will be answered, but I'm still here to fulfill a purpose. I have to trust and let go.
"Thank you for my health."
"Thank you for my friends and family"
"I'm blessed to have my life ahead of me."
With God's grace, I smile while saying, "I'm sorry about last night...."