Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Flight from Hell......part deux.

I flew out of LaGuardia at 7 am, after running on only a few hours of sleep. I get on the airplane and once again, look for a seat towards the back. I finally decided upon an aisle seat(a lesson I learned from the last time). The other two seats were taken by two men. The second I met eyes with the guy sitting next to me....I knew I had made the wrong decision.

I could tell that he thought he had just hit the jackpot....having a woman his age willingly come and sit by him. These are the times that I wished I came to the airport looking as unattractive as possible.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not saying that I'm soooo unfortunately attractive that men want to hit on me all the time. I'm just saying that there are certain men who will jump at ANYTHING...

I don't know what it is about people at airports. First I have Mr. Airplane pilot feeling the need to have a meaningful conversation while I'm reading, and now I'm dealing with Coffee Breath Man.

The reason he deserves this name is that the second he introduced himself, he breath wreaked a combination of cigarettes and coffee.


He finally got the picture, sensing my urge to lean away, and asked for a piece of gum.....since he wasn't smart enough to bring his own.

Coffee Breath begins to tell me how he'd been up all night drinking with his buddies and hadn't even slept yet. It wouldn't have surprised me if he was still drunk. GREAT.....I try to avoid this at the bars. The stewardess comes around asking about drinks. Before this, he hints at the fact that he would like to buy me a drink.

Let me remind you that it's 7:15 in the morning.

I politely tell him that it's a bit too early in the morning for that. What does he do? He ignores me and orders us Bloody Mary's. Now, instead of my glass of water...I have to drink an alcoholic beverage.

Thanks for listening.

He starts to bring up conversation. He is an actor in NYC who also is a comedy writer. One of the networks he writes for is Comedy Central, blah blah blah. None of this stuff is really relevant at this point, when you are drunk, don't listen, and have unruly caterpillars as eyebrows.

So...time goes by, and once again I'm not able to read my book like I would like to. Coffee Breath finishes his 2nd bloody mary as he continues to preach to me why I will never get an opera job by having to pay audition fees. Of course, he's coming from his world of theater, which is a completely different business. Most opera companies charge some form of fee to apply for their company. It sucks, but such is life.

He asks, "Do you know a single person who has gotten a single job as a result of paying for their audition?"


Don't worry, it gets even better. At one point he looks into my eyes and says, "What will it take for you to make out with a stranger on an airplane?"

I was in airplane hell. First trip: unruly children, Second trip: gross, drunk man wanting to make out with you.

He then tries to grab my hand, to which I quickly pull away.

"Why did you pull away?"

"Well...considering I've only known you for two hours, it's a bit too fast."

Coffee Breath has to catch another flight from Chicago, and begs me to have a drink with him when we land. Once again.....it's not even 10 AM. Luckily, I have to pick up from sister from Chicago, so that we can go home for Thanksgiving. After much begging and pleading, we finally landed.

I couldn't run away fast enough. I think he got the point.

1 comment:

Sara said...

Oh my God! That is the most horrendous thing I've ever heard!

I am so sorry you had to sit next to...that.

When you travel, I think you need to keep your sunglasses on and never smile. I think it'll make you look more intimidating.

I think I've learned from your awful trials on planes. I will never get on a plane without my iPod from now on. Yikes.